Forget About Control.
I have returned from my three-month hiatus.
In short summary, I've been taking the time to rearrange my life as necessary because life is unpredictable. My 24th birthday arrived and I did a lot of inner work and reflection to see where I am at in order to get to where I want to go next. I've decided that trying to be happy takes more effort than actually living moment by moment.
I know I've dedicated a lot of my posts to opening further discussions about mental health. Half of my blogs on here are some of my vulnerable moments addressing my history with depression and anxiety in hopes that it gives my readers a safe place to express their own experiences. I've also tried posting uplifting messages, hopeful commentary, and a few pieces of advice. While I intend to keep posting these topics and doing what I feel is productive, helpful, and hopefully inspiring for all of us, I am going to try something new for the month of April.
Obtaining a sense of control has always been important to me. I've spent a lot of time writing clear lists of what should be done within the day and have planned weeks ahead for my life. Coming into 2022 this no longer was serving me and I found myself feeling pressure to be happy when I wasn't, to be perfect when I'm not, and to hurry forward to prove that I'm not just sitting around at home. When you tell people that you're an author and that you're not currently working in a career that aligns with your degree, there's a very particular attitude you're meant with. I think people feel as though I'm in a phase of life where I'm doing nothing.
Truthfully, I am in a privileged position where I'm not worrying over my money or desperately having places to be at every moment of the day but I'm not sitting watching shows all day or reading books for hours. I have been preparing, I have been healing, I have been examining careers that would align with my degree in clinical psychology, and I've been thinking of what more I could do to contribute to the world no matter how small or large scale it may be. Through all these months of working, resting, working more, and then resting again I realized that my need for control was failing me. My overly organized way of approaching life is failing me. My need to know what exactly is happening next week, next month, or even the next several months is failing me. So, how do I change this?
In the month of April, I am going to relinquish control. High priorities I will gladly organize and write in my planner, but if it is not a high priority then I'm not going to try and care about it because I'm caring too much. I think we all get caught up in trying to desperately figure out as many details as we can because we think it's going to keep us safe, that it's going to help us get ahead, and that it's going to help us achieve what we want but then we end up stressed. We end up stressed by the pressure to meet those goals, we end up sad if we fail and have to start again, we feel disappointed, embarrassed, and so many other emotions that discourage us.
All of April I am going to attempt to slow down my overthinking and impulsive needs to control everything. I'm going to try going out on my own more often, of course in a safe manner. I'm going to try new hobbies, start new activities, and I'm going to interact more with all of you because all of you have been the greatest surprise in the last ten months of my life. Happiness shouldn't be something we chase after but rather something we happen to come upon in our journey and experience with gratitude.
So, thank you for all the birthday wishes I received on Friday. Thank you for all of the laughter you've given me in these ten months. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for still rooting for me on the days when I was so exhausted that I didn't want to even think about what it meant to be Dasia Zanders. If you want to join me in April on this journey of letting go and experiencing happiness as it drifts by then I would love to hear your stories.
Stay safe and I love you when it feels like no one else does.