Finding Determination Together
When I turned twenty-one I wanted tattoos for my birthday. I didn't want a party, I didn't want to go drinking with friends, and I didn't even want a special dinner celebration. All I wanted was tattoos. It was fitting that the first tattoos I'd ever get were words.
I wanted one word on each of my wrists. Each being able to fully capture who I was as a person and what I believed were essential life traits and characteristics. I chose the word 'Authentic' and turned to my best friend for assistance on the second word. It's nice to have someone who knows you well enough to offer perspective in an honest way when you fail to see yourself properly. One of the words she had chosen to describe me and my view of life was 'Determined'. While it was a compliment to be told such a word could describe me we ultimately ended on the word 'Accepting' which I then turned into 'Acceptance' and have proudly worn on my left wrist for two years now.
Thinking about the word determination scares me now and I find myself saying thank you to the past version of me for not going with that word.
My truth in this current moment is that I don't feel determined. While I've found support in my writing, my blog, and in some personal areas of my life, I am also terrified of my future. My dreams seem so close and yet floating so far away. I'm caught between running full speed ahead at them and giving up. Except, I've come too far to give up and I feel it's my responsibility to see things through. I've already started something snowballing in motion.
It's difficult to stay determined when you start doubting whether or not you're capable of making something happen the way you've always pictured it. You have to be prepared to fail and try again. You have to be prepared for reality to not meet the expectation. You have to be prepared to force yourself to keep reaching for the things you're dreaming for and let go of the things (and sometimes the people) that aren't supporting you or helping you get to those dreams. I don't feel like pushing myself forward, but I'm going to.
All this to say if you're not feeling determined right now toward something in your life I'm just here to say that is perfectly okay. We can try to find our motivation together. We can work a day at a time to find all of that determination existing somewhere in our bodies, in our souls, and in our minds. It may take longer than we want but it's worth it in the long run. It's okay to take breaks, it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel, but you can't ever give up on yourself especially when you could be closer to your dreams and goals than you think.
Now, at the time of writing this, it is almost 9 a.m. where I live. I have been up since 4 a.m. and in that time I have cried, planned my day, answered emails, wrote a thank you letter, journaled a bit, answered messages in my inboxes from readers (all of you are incredibly sweet! Thank you for sharing who you are with me, I never take it for granted), cried again, and then reminded myself that I have people to write for, things to work towards, and other goals to accomplish. Thank you for helping me by being my motivation, thank you for reminding me to be determined, and I hope I'm able to do the same for you.
We have more time than we think we do.